This week, I was inspired by this conversation to finally declare that we must assert our Constitutional rights against the most tyrannical force in our own lives. That’s right: our employers.
The time has come to honor the noble sacrifice of John Dryden. Even though he wasn’t a lawyer or terribly familiar with state and federal law regarding the handling of public school students’ confidential records, he appointed himself as legal counsel right then and there and told everyone exactly what he thought. It didn’t matter that he had twice been reprimanded in as many years for inappropriately telling people what was on his mind and informed that if he kept doing it, he could possibly be fired. What mattered was that he wasn’t going to let his employer tell him what he could and couldn’t do at his job, particularly when the Constitution was on the line.
Therefore, I declare Friday, June 7 to be the first John Dryden Day. How do we celebrate it?
1. Publicly tell your coworkers, supervisors, customers, clients, and vendors that the senior management of your organization is not looking out for the best interests of the shareholders/the public/the children whenever you are reminded of a workplace rule, policy, directive, or initiative that you don’t like! Be sure to let people in other departments know when their supervisors are telling them to do things you think are illegal. Remember that not everybody knows about John Dryden Day or the Constitution. It’s up to you to responsibly teach others how to interpret it with regard to their jobs, no matter what your employer’s idiotic legal representatives have said. Assert the First Amendment when your manager incorrectly tries to tell you that you can’t do or say any of that.*
2. Show up to work with alcohol on your breath or blood all over your clothes or something. When your boss demands to know what is going on, let him know firmly that you’re not going to incriminate yourself and you don’t appreciate him keeping all those files on you.
3. Does your workplace forbid guns? Fuck it! Bring your gun to work anyway. There could be an active shooter or something. I see no reason why if you are allowed to offer authoritative legal advice that may or may not conflict with your employer’s specific wishes, you can’t also play police officer for a day! Rules of conduct are meaningless when we have to make big, important decisions on the spot. It’s okay, it’s in the Bill of Rights. The good news is, you can also refuse to answer any questions from your boss regarding the pistol you’re carrying and there’s really nothing he can do about it.**
4. Assert your Fourth Amendment rights by surfing for as much porn as you like on your work computer or put some contraband of your choice in your desk or company car! It’s okay, because Constitution.***
Now, I’m sure that some of you think that this kind of stuff might get you in trouble somehow. My answer is: “Don’t worry, man!” If anyone ever tries to use the misconduct that you do on John Dryden Day against you as a basis for future termination, it’s character assassination and you can totally sue for wrongful termination.
Because this is America. And the Bill of Rights protects your right to keep your job no matter how frequently you disregard your employer’s policies or professional standards.
Best of all, John Dryden Day is on a Friday, which gives you plenty of time to get your desk cleaned out and think about what you did all weekend long. Hell, you might even get an extra-long weekend out of it!
So go out there and make a statement for freedom, all you Dryden fans!
* Thrill is not a lawyer and nothing he says should ever be interpreted as sane legal advice –Admin.
** Oh, shit. Seriously: Thrill is not a lawyer and his thoughts and expressed opinions do not necessarily (or at all in this case) reflect the opinions or positions of this website. –Admin
*** Damn it.