Tag: humor

Dropping Faster than Snooki’s Underpants

Dave Barry has his Year in Review post up again and it’s definitely worth your time. One of my favorite quips:

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, having dealt with all of the city’s other concerns — disaster preparation, for example — turns his attention to the lone remaining problem facing New Yorkers: soft drinks. For far too long, these uncontrolled beverages have roamed the city in vicious large-container packs, forcing innocent people to drink them and become obese. Bloomberg’s plan would prohibit the sale of soft drinks in containers larger than 16 ounces, thereby making it impossible to consume larger quantities, unless, of course, somebody bought two containers, but the mayor is confident that nobody except him would ever be smart enough to think of that.


the Democrats gather in Charlotte, N.C. for their convention, during which they declare their near-carnal passion for the Middle Class and celebrate the many major achievements of the Obama administration, including the killing of Osama bin Laden, solar energy, the winning of the War on Terror by killing Osama bin Laden, the Chevy Volt, bold presidential leadership in the form of making the difficult decision to order the killing of Osama bin Laden, wind power and many, many other major things that the administration has achieved, such as killing Osama bin Laden. The Democrats acknowledge that the economy is not totally 100 percent “there” yet but promise to continue moving steadfastly forward with their relentless attacks on the root cause of economic stagnation and continued high unemployment, namely, George W. Bush.

Read the whole thing. We need some humor right about now.

Louisiana Considers Secession to Delight of Non-Residents

If you’re not following Victoria Jackson on Facebook (yes, her), you really need to.  She reads WND and believes it so you don’t have to.

Some intrepid people in Louisiana have submitted a petition to the White House to let their state secede from the Union.  Again.   It’s stupid, of course, because if they meet their quota, the White House will just say “no” and the president will no doubt take the opportunity to make a funny joke at the expense of people who dislike him.  And the press corps will laugh along and hoot at how stupid red state people are.  It’s already comical because 90% of the signatures I see on there already are from outside Louisiana and many are in blue states. 

Maybe this would be the good compromise Seattle Outcast was after: Let Louisiana out and let Puerto Rico in so we don’t have to change the flag. 

Up to you if you want to sign or not.  If you do choose to, I’d like to know why you did it.

UPDATE: This post has been getting some search engine attention so I’m going to seriously address the questions I’m seeing.

These petitions mean absolutely nothing.  Even if the White House approves such a thing, your state would still need to hold a referendum or pass an ordinance of secession in its state legislature to finalize it.

None of this is serious.  The position of the federal government is that the United States is indivisible.  I’ll refer you to the Supreme Court case Texas v. White.   Any attempt to secede from the US by any state or group of states would certainly lead to the federal government intervening and arresting every state official responsible.

We had the Civil War because the Confederate states voted to secede and President Lincoln chose to stop them from doing so with military force.  There isn’t any reason to think Obama would do any differently, really.  Peaceful secession is simply out of the question at this time, with or without a petition. 

Save your state some embarrassment and ignore these petitions.  Let’s get a Constitutional Convention going instead.

Obama economy made me do it!

This story is just too crazy to make up. here are the details.

COLUMBUS, Ga. (CBS Atlanta) — A former Columbus police officer admitted in court that he robbed a bank last year so he can get health benefits being in a federal prison. Edward Pascucci told U.S. District Court Judge Clay D. Land Thursday that he was facing “severe health problems” and homelessness when he decided to rob the Citizens Trust Bank last August, according to the Columbus Ledger-Enquirer.

“I didn’t want to be homeless,” Pascucci said, according to the paper. “I should not have manipulated the justice system, but I couldn’t think of any other way to get help.” The FBI said Pascucci walked out of the bank with more than $1,000, according to WTVM-TV. He was jobless for more than a year when the crime occurred. Pascucci – who served as a police officer for 15 years – was sentenced to five years and three months in prison.

Things are so bad you decide prison is a good alternative? And you used to be in law enforcement? In addition to pointing out how messed up things are, this whole thing tells me we should wonder if we coddle people in prison too much. Tax payer provided healthcare, three meals, roof over your head, and from what others say, sex too. Dang, and here I thought Obamacare was going to fix everything if we just passed it.

Callin’ Jesse Jackson & Al Sharpton! Money to be made..

I call racims!

There is also some structural damage to the restaurant, which is located at 6701 Martin Luther King Jr. Highway, at the intersection of Sheriff Road. A collapse team was dispatched to stabilize the building and board up the restauarant’s windows, which had shattered.

A fried chicken joint on MLK Highway is insensitve! Especially when you have a Sherrif – a.k.a “Da Man” – involved too. Some white people have to be to blame and someone needs to pay for this offense.

I am joking of course, and no doubt some will probably think this is in poor taste and insensitve on my part since someone did die, but I am surprised someone making a living from this nonsense hasn’t tried to shake down this KFC. Maybe it is black owned or nobody has made the connection yet.

Purity Bear

Because you haven’t watched any video this week until you’ve watched this one:

If there were any justice in this world, the clip would end with the boy fucking the bear. Just to make the circle of creepiness complete.

This is from Liberty Counsel, a group that supports the usual nos — no sex, no sex education, no birth control, no HPV vaccines, no gays and, apparently, no acting lessons. This is in support their “Day of Purity” when teens will celebrate abstaining from sex. Having abstained from sex through high school — not of my own volition — this isn’t exactly something I would celebrate. I would have spent it more raging at my invisibility to the fairer sex and wishing I were dead (or played football).

But to each his own.

I just don’t see this being effective. If I were a teenager, this ad would make me run out and defile myself at once just to make sure I never ever encountered that damned bear.

Best of Lee: In Their Own Words

Just to take a breather from the ongoing (but hopefully ending) nightmare, I thought I’d put up a Best of Lee. I was digging through some old posts from before the Archive Event Horizon and ran across a couple of posts from Lee that cracked me up. Don’t know if they’ll amuse you too, but we need some uplifting from recent evens.

First, on Iran’s weaving of the world’s largest rug (from a post appropriately entitled “Rug Munchers“):

Yes, my friends. In addition to oil and terrorism, Iran also contributes carpet to the world, showing us just how indispensable they are on the global stage. “Allah be praised, we will one day create a carpet so big it will smother every filthy subhuman pigdog infidel inhabitant of the Zionist entity! For while the infidel Jews may have a functioning nuclear weapon, Allah be praised, we have carpet! And a big carpet at that! And soon, when we too have a functioning nuclear weapon, we will be superior to the Jews because they will not have the carpet!”

And then this one, when Hurricane Dennis hit Cuba, possibly splashing water on some prison Qurans:

“This is an insult to Allah himself,” remarked Muhammad al Muhammad bin Muhammad Sheik Yerbouti, Grand Mufti of the Islamic Council to Prevent Desecration of the Holy Word of Allah by the Zionist Infidel Pig Dog Crusaders and Jews. “It is obvious that the forces of the Zionist infidel pig dog crusaders and Jews are conspiring to torture our blessed Islamic martyrs by soiling the word of Allah.”

Immediately the combined forces of the United Nations, the NAACP, the ACLU, the Nation of Islam, and al-Qaeda were mobilized on the communist island nation to demand justice for the incarcerated. “The Cuban people have been affected by this terrible national disaster,” shouted al-Qaeda spokesman Muhammad bin Muhammad al-Sharpton. “But that sort of flooding and loss of life is expected. It is the will of Allah. But what we are dealing with here is another kind of inhuman torture. Rainwater has defiled the sacred word of Allah almighty, and the filthy inhuman apes and pigs of the crusader Army dared to remove the droplets of water with a common paper towel without first covering their infidel hands with a surgical glove. I ask you, my Islamist brethren, when will the global community wake up to the truth of the inhuman activities that are taking place behind these walls?”

The reason these amuse me is because they sound exactly like the kind of stuff we always do hear from various and sundry nuts. Mocking fools in their own words was one of Lee’s best skills. I can only imagine what he would have made out of the Pelosi-Reid-Obama triad. We would be laughing our way through this entire ridiculous mess.

Joke of the day

It’s ROFLtime:

Man comes home from work to find his wife dressed to the nines. “What’s going on?” he asks.
“We never go out. I want you to take me somewhere expensive tonight.”
They get in the car and begin driving. After a few minutes she turns to him and says “Where are we going?”
“Well, you said take you somewhere expensive, so we’re going to the gas station.”

Funny, right? Ha fucking ha. Hilarious. Have you paid for a tank of gas this week? If we’re busy fighting wars for oil, can we maybe, oh, I dunno, get some of it? Because this is killing me. And you. And business. And transportation. And food prices. And everything else that requires a plane, train, ship, car, truck or van to move it from A to B.

The joke is adapted from this month’s Playboy Party Jokes page, BTW. And as an aside, the auto-tag suggesting system recognized the “old joke” format of this thing and before I added commentary, it suggested ‘Allo ‘Allo and Benny Hill as tags. I was pretty impressed.