if these limits may, at any time, be passed by those intended to be restrained?"
-- Chief Justice John Marshall, Marbury v. Madison, 1803
Oh Heavenly Bureaucracy
by Lee
There’s a great post over at MOOREWATCH which you guys should all read because it’s fucking hilarious. An update I left to that post contained the following statement.
If there is a God (which there isn’t) then I will one day stand before Him and be condemned to an eternity in hell.
From what I know of Christianity 101, when you die to go before God, and he’ll either let you in to his pad or send you down to hell. This got me thinking, can you imagine how long the judgment line must be? I mean, if I’m in line at the DMV and there’s 10 people in front of me I’m there for three hours. I have no idea how many people on the planet die every day, but it’s got to be in the tens of millions at a minimum, probably more than that. Judging people must be God’s full-time job. Forget spending an eternity in paradise, you’re going to spend eternity waiting in line to be judged by God.
Unless, of course, God operates in the same way the DMV does, in which case you’ll get called into a line run by a surly, obnoxious fat black woman in stretch pants who will tell you that you haven’t filled out the correct form and send you to another line where you have to wait another eternity.
And since most people in the world are religious, and the majority of them are not Christian, is there some kind of appeals process? Like, would a guy who sawed the heads of children and then sincerely and truly asked for and received forgiveness from Jesus be let into heaven, while a Jew who lived a good life but rejected Jesus would be damned?
It makes my head spin, just thinking of how long that line for judgment must be.
Comments
One thing I’ve always wondered-if God is omnipotent, how come he had to ask Cain what happened to Abel?
Also: Shouldn’t he have known that Lucifer was going to rebel against him?
I can answer this with a simple parable that I believe was told by Jesus. The parable goes like this:
“You’re flying a plane with Jesus on board. Pat Robertson is quietly sneaking up on Jesus in an attempt to assassinate him for not being Christian enough. What colour are the pilots eyes?”
This parable is better when spoken. If you’ll notice by the grammatical style, the question states that YOU are flying a plane, so the pilot is you therefore your eye colour.
That is what God, heaven, and hell are all about. They are merely perceptions, dreams, and fantasies of the person who thinks of them. These concepts are in the EYE of the beholder.
For fundamentalist Christians, heaven will only include people as closed minded and bitter as themselves. It will be the most disgustingly sweet 1950s Disney movie environment ever. That is until you go behind the scenes and find the oiled up boy scouts.
Normal Christians will be in heaven with other normal Christians and it will be a nice place. Some of the non-believers that were nice people will be their pets.
Muslims will go to a heaven where the can play pin the tail on the Jew all day. A place where a man is a man and sheep are scared. A place where the 72 virgins are hairier than the noble martyr.
You haven’t been watching “Reaper” have you?
“Anyplace that seems like hell, is. Like the DMV over on Union street...”
Some of the non-believers that were nice people will be their pets.
Isn’t that how things work in the Democratic Party?
Isn’t that how things work in the Democratic Party?
I thought democratic pets were minorities? Am I wrong?
Hell: Friday 4:30 at chucke cheese…
Heaven: a shooting range with unlimited ammo, next to a hooters.
That e-mail is hilarious--I think someone blew her pilot light out.
I wonder if she thinks the government should provide her husband an instruction manual on how to eat pussy.
By the way, you’re all wrong--the only people in heaven will be the Mormons. And Saddam Hussein. They’ll all be spending eternity playing charades, pictionary, and making rice krispie treats and popsicle stick houses.
See, and I’d figure it’d be like you’d get up there, and you’d be asked, “So, are you one of those assholes who hates everyone who isn’t your demonination or religion, or did you figure that all paths lead to whatever it is your denomination or religion calls that which is neither a he, nor a she, nor an it, nor flying pasta? Because, if you haven’t, the chute to hell is right over ... there.”
And then I’d have to say, “Actually, I’m an athiest.”
And then they’d say, “Well, you’re in heaven, so are you really still an athiest?”
And then I’d say, “Well, I guess not, but I never believed in God ... er, him, er, her, er, it, er, whatever when I was alive.”
And they’d say “Well, that means you probably weren’t much of an asshole about religion except to people who kept trying to talk you into joining one of those crazy cults to start with. Step right through those gates there.”
Woohoo! In by default!
Next entry: Of, By, And For The Sheeple
Previous entry: The Final Countdown
Defending Your Life… If you haven’t seen it, it’ worth a few chuckles.
Hell, there’s about as much chance of it being accurate as just about any other idea.