We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time. - Vince Lombardi

Saturday, March 31, 2007

The latest foreign reality show to be ripped off by US television is something called Thank God You’re Here.

From the producers of “American Idol,” the improvisational hit comedy series that originated in Australia, “Thank God You’re Here,” comes to America this Spring. Hosted by David Alan Grier ("In Living Color") and presided over by judge, Dave Foley ("NewsRadio," “Kids In The Hall"), “Thank God You’re Here” showcases the improvisational skills of a group of four brave actors each week, as they walk into a live sketch without a script, their only armor and unforeseen and unexplained wardrobe change. The only thing the celebrity can count on when walking into the scenario is a desperate greeting from a fellow actor in the skit, proclaiming, “Thank God You’re Here!”

Okay, this could be an interesting premise, if only because comedic actors working without comedy writers can be gold, Jerry, gold!  A comedic actor needs to have an excellent sense of timing and delivery, but unless they have some kind of history of improv they’re funny reading someone else’s words.

As I was watching the commercial for this then, I got to thinking how great if would be if Michael Richards was one of the guest celebrities.  He could come out, get flustered a minute or two into his improv routine, then just start calling everyone a nigger.  An entire hour where Michael Richards calls everyone a nigger, including white and Asian cast members.  Fran Drescher comes in dressed like a nurse, pushing Erik Estrada in a wheelchair.  “Doctor!” she says to Richards.  “This man took too much Viagara and he’s had an erection for 16 hours!” Richards looks at her and says, “Shut up, nigger.  And you, you know what your problem is?  You’re a nigger in a wheelchair.  Now, nurse, take this nigger home, or I’ll hang you from a tree with a fork in your ass.”

THAT, my friends, would be a show worth watching!  Someone get me a pitch meeting…

It’s the latest Australian gun control success!

A MAN has been charged after allegedly threatening police with an axe on a south-east Queensland street.

The man armed himself with the weapon on King Street, Caboolture, around 9.30pm (AEST) yesterday, police said.

When police went to investigate, he allegedly raised the axe to his shoulder threatening the officers.

In the US, the second he raised the axe in a threatening manner he would have taken six in the chest.  This is, unfortunately, just the latest example of rising knife- and blade-related violence in Australia since they enacted their draconian gun control laws.

I accidentally just deleted a bunch of people who signed up to get permission to comment.  If you signed up in the past week or so and you just got an email from this blog telling you that your account had been deleted, or if you still can’t post for whatever reason, please try registering again. 

Sorry about that, I literally hit one button incorrectly.

Check out the political hagiography of George Clooney in today’s LA Times.

He subscribes to two newspapers and can quote the top political columnists.

Wow, two whole newspapers!  And he reads columnists!  My God, this should qualify George Clooney as Emperor of the Universe!  I mean, anyone who actually reads two newspapers has to be some kind of fucking übergenius.

Here’s a little reality check for George Clooney.  I read about 6 newspapers a day, I subscribe to 5 different political magazines from all parts of the political spectrum, I read maybe 30 or 40 blogs regularly, I’ve written a blog continually for five years while simultaneously working 70 hours a week, and I still don’t hold myself in a fraction of the smug “My shit doesn’t stink” self-esteem that you do.

Update: This was, of course, parodied beautifully in Team America, when that intellectual midget Janeane Garofalo says:

As actors, it is our responsibility to read the newspapers, and then say what we read on television like it’s our own opinion.

Much like Janeane, George Clooney also subscribes to two newspapers and can quote top political columnists. 

And now I’m off to meet with the guy doing my income taxes.  Let’s see how much Uncle Sam will be stealing from me this year.  Gulp.

So, for now, consider this yet another open thread.

Update: Well, I made out okay.  Not as much of a refund as last year but still pretty reasonable.

I’m heading off to an early morning meeting up in Glendale, so consider this an open post.  Rock out wit’cho bad self.

Friday, March 30, 2007

Over at Captain’s Quarters Ed Morrisey’s “First Mate” is getting a kidney transplant.  As someone whose father died needing a heart transplant I can empathize completely.  If you’re a religious person please say a little extra prayer for a speedy recovery without complications.

And, most importantly of all, if you’re not an organ donor, what the hell is wrong with you?  Take a moment, right now, and give the gift of life.  If you happen to die tomorrow, wouldn’t you want something good to come from it?  Wouldn’t you want someone else to benefit from the tragedy of your premature demise?

I’m becoming emotional and choked up as I write this.  I can’t think of anything more compassionate, more selfless, and more humanitarian than being an organ donor.  YOU’RE DEAD, what the hell do you need those organs for?  Take a moment, print out the card, and know that if you happen to die unexpectedly you will give the precious gift of life to someone else.  As someone who had to make the agonizing decision to switch a parent off life support, please, don’t make someone else go through that.

Do it.  Now.

Here’s something I bet you didn’t know.  On March 30, 1942, Speaker of the House Sam Rayburn of Texas visited Adolf Hitler in Germany to try and work out common ground.  Rather than the stick of war Rayburn was interested in the carrot of diplomatic negotiation.  During his European visit he also visited fascist Italy, then addressed the parliament of Great Britain.

Bet you didn’t know this, did you?  That’s because it never happened.

ABC News has learned Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi plans to visit Syria next week to meet with Syrian President Bashar Al-Assad.  The visit will make Pelosi the most senior U.S. official ever to meet with President Assad.

Pelosi will be traveling to Syria has part of Congressional delegation.  On the trip, she also plans to visit several other countries in the region, including Israel, where she will deliver a speech to the Knesset.

Pelosi’s visit to Syria would come as the United States has severed high-level contacts with Assad’s government.

Look, folks, this is really simple.  What bothers me is that Pelosi is legitimizing the Syrian regime by making an official visit.  That’s the job of the State Dept, to officially represent the United States on the world stage.  (Let’s ignore for a moment that our president has been using the Assad regime to torture innocent Canadians.  Oops.)

I mean, agree or disagree with the “carrot versus stick” approach, this is totally inappropriate.  If Pelosi wants to go over and lick Assad’s balls she should wait until the Democrats are in the White House again, then she can do whatever the hell the president authorizes.  Visiting allies is one thing, playing kissy-face with our enemies is another thing entirely. 

As you have no doubt heard, Hollywood is on fire.  Here’s the photo from Drudge.

The interesting thing is that I can see the Hollywood sign, this very hill, on my way home from work.  Since I, being the capitalist slave I am, won’t be going home until at least 9:00 tonight, I might be able to catch a cool long-distance fire shot.  Of course, since my phone is a RAZR and its camera is a complete piece of shit, don’t expect anything wonderful.  If I have anything interesting to post I’ll do so later on.  I just hope that not too many homes get destroyed.

(Also, 10 Super Awesome Obscure Pop-Culture Points if you get the title to this post.)

Having solved its crime and corruption problems, the city of Chicago is going after the true criminal scum in its midst.

The city issued its first foie gras fine to a hot dog seller of all people, accusing “Hot Doug’s” of violating a Chicago ban by lacing its specialty dogs with the duck liver delicacy.

Doug Sohn, who runs Hot Doug’s “The Sausage Superstore and Encased Meat Emporium,” agreed to pay $250 Thursday for the first-time offense.

Sohn had been openly serving foie gras-laced hot dogs since the ordinance took effect in August. He says he knew about the rule — when he got a warning letter from the city, he had it framed and placed on his counter.

He could have faced up to a $500 dollar fine under the ordinance, Health Department spokesman Tim Hadac said.

I wish this guy sold these hotdogs online, I’d buy one in a second.  I can’t imagine that foie gras would taste all that good encased in a sausage with ground up cow anus, but I’d give it a bite just on general principle.

Somewhere in America William Bennett just got a stiffy.

The World Trade Organisation (WTO) on Friday confirmed its ruling the United States had done nothing to abide by an earlier verdict that labelled some U.S. Internet gambling restrictions as illegal.

In a published version of findings in a complaint brought by Antigua and Barbuda, initially sent to the parties in January, the Geneva-based trade referee said the Caribbean island had provided additional evidence that strengthened its case.

The panel concludes that the United States has failed to comply with the recommendations and rulings of the (WTO’s) DSB (Dispute Settlement Body),” the WTO said in the ruling, which can be appealed.

At issue was an April 2005 WTO verdict against U.S. prohibitions on online betting, notably on horse racing. Since then, the U.S. Congress has passed additional legislation to ban betting over the Internet.

I can only imagine President Bush’s reaction upon hearing the news.  “They did what?  Oh man, Dobson’s gonna have a shit fit.  Karl, get Gonzo on the phone and ask him if I have the power to fire the WTO.  And if I don’t, tell him to figure out some way to let me do it anyway.”

I’ve always loved baseball.  I played little league from tee-ball all the way up to the senior leagues when I was in the 10th grade.  As many of you know, I grew up in various locales all over the world.  I did 4th through 6th grade in Stavager, Norway.  The American community there formed its own little league, and I played every year. 

The problem was that, since there were only a limited number of kids to choose from, the age ranges on the teams was quite large.  You’d have kids going from the 4th grade to the 8th grade on the same team, for example, and there is a world of difference in size, strength, and athletic ability between a 9 year old and a 13 year old.  Naturally the older kids played the important positions—pitcher, first base, and so on.  I’d get up to bat and I’d have a kid four years older than me throwing balls that there was no way I could hit.  So, for almost the entire season, I struck out every time.  In my 5th grade year I got one hit, just one, and I was thrown out at first.  (The shortstop and first baseman were both older than me.)

And man, did this hurt.  I remember sitting in the parking lot with my mom crying my eyes out, because I wasn’t getting to hit.  I loved playing the game, but like any kid I wanted to play more and do more and get more hits and get more wins.  It was disheartening to say the least.  But still, I was out there every game, and I played.  And I think that the lessons I learned from doing so have stayed with me my whole life.  With that in mind, Dennis Prager has a must-read column up at Town Hall which touches on this very subject.

This past weekend, a friend of mine attended his 13-year-old son’s baseball game. What he saw encapsulates a major reason many of us fear for the future of America and the West.

His son’s team was winning 24-7 as the game entered the last inning. When he looked up at the scoreboard, he noticed that the score read 0-0. Naturally, he inquired as to what happened—was the scoreboard perhaps broken?—and was told that the winning team’s coach asked the scoreboard keeper to change the score. He and some of the parents were concerned that the boys on the losing team felt humiliated.

In order to ensure that the boys losing by a lopsided score would not feel too bad, the score was changed.

Trust me on this one, read the whole thing.

Reason discusses the ongoing beatification process for the late Pope John Paul II.

Second, and more immediately, Pope Benedict--supposedly a by-the-book-sort guy--has already bent the rules for his predecessor, waiving the five-year waiting period after death for the beatification process to begin. To which any Catholic--past, present, future, or perpetual--really has to ask: If the Baseball Hall of Fame could wait five years after Cal Ripken’s retirement before voting him in, where does the Vicar of Christ on Earth get off? This would be like inducting The Strokes into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame after the release of their debut.

Sadly, all too true.  I was a great fan of the late pope.  For the majority of my life he was “the” pope, and when he died it was in many ways like losing a family member.  But, come on.  The way they’re bending all their own rules to get him admitted into the Super Awesome Club is pretty disgraceful.

John Paul II’s life and legacy are great enough that the Vatican shouldn’t need to use tricks and points of parliamentary procedure.  He earned what he earned, there’s no need to rush it.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

There’s a few new options in the PJM Straw Poll:  Ron Paul and Fred Thompson.  Or, you can pick from your favorite theocon.  Now that there’s a few new options to choose from, click on the link and pick your favorite.

Texas should just change its name to The Punisher.

Criminals in Texas beware: if you threaten someone in their car or office, the citizens of this state where guns are ubiquitous have the right to shoot you dead.

Governor Rick Perry’s office said on Tuesday that he had signed a new law that expands Texans’ existing right to use deadly force to defend themselves “without retreat” in their homes, cars and workplaces.

“The right to defend oneself from an imminent act of harm should not only be clearly defined in Texas law, but is intuitive to human nature,” Perry said on his Web site.

The new law, which takes affect on September 1, extends an exception to a statute that required a person to retreat in the face of a criminal attack. The exception was in the case of an intruder unlawfully entering a person’s home.

The law extends a person’s right to stand their ground beyond the home to vehicles and workplaces, allowing the reasonable use of deadly force, the governor’s office said.

The reasonable use of lethal force will be allowed if an intruder is:

- Committing certain violent crimes, such as murder or sexual assault, or is attempting to commit such crimes

- Unlawfully trying to enter a protected place

- Unlawfully trying to remove a person from a protected place.

The law also provides civil immunity for a person who lawfully slays an intruder or attacker in such situations.

In other words, if you want to be a criminal, your best bet is to move to a state full of bleeding heart liberal pussies like California or Massachusetts.

Sympathy for violent offenders and criminals in general runs low in Texas, underscored by its busy death row.

If this is true (and it is) then the inverse must also be true:  sympathy for violent offenders and criminals in general runs high in California, underscored by the fact that virtually nobody, not even the most hardened gang member, is executed here.  And when the state finally gets around to executing one of these examples of subhuman social vermin, the usual group of wailing left-wing pussies like Sean Penn and Mike Farrell will be outside the gates of San Quentin whining about how unfair and barbaric it all is.