Category: Best of Lee

El Spicoli

Good grief:

When El Chapo was arrested (again) I didn’t pay all that much attention to the story. That’s not to say that it wasn’t important or that both Mexico and the DEA didn’t have a good reason to hunt him down, but it’s not the sort of thing that’s going to change the world in a substantive, positive way. When you take out a cartel kingpin like that there are plenty more ready and eager to take his place. Even if you could identify, locate and take out his entire army, all you’d manage to do would be to cause some momentary confusion and turmoil in the market and a new group would rise up to fill the demand. That’s just the dark side of capitalism on the black market.

But now we’ve seen another low point in “journalism” which popped up in relation to the story and it will come as no surprise that it once again features Rolling Stone magazine. In case you missed it, actor Sean Penn managed to arrange a day long meeting with the drug lord back in October and it turned into a feature “scoop” for Rolling Stone. The real question here is, if you knew where a mass murdering drug lord was when the entire civilized world was hunting for him, wouldn’t you call the DEA instead of your editor? That clearly wasn’t the route that RS and Penn chose, instead preferring to help Guzman fluff up his reputation.

The Rolling Stone article is pretty jaw-dropping, giving lip service to the suffering El Chapo has caused but mainly talking about how charming he is and how he built himself up from nothing. Really, I can distill it for you in one fact: they gave El Chapo final edit of the article. It’s also poorly written, with a very turgid “style”.

The one good thing to come out of it is that Mexican authorities are saying that Penn covered his tracks so badly that they were able to find and arrest El Chapo.

I don’t know who comes off worse: Rolling Stone or Penn. Combine this with last year’s UVa rape fraud, and I’d say Rolling Stones’ reputation is rolling around the rim of the toilet bowl right about now.

As for Penn, it does give me an excuse to link to one of my favorite Best of Lee posts, about Penn covering a rally in Iran:

Check out the picture of this wormy fuck. He’s crouching in that position so you can’t see the erection he got when he heard thousands of Muslims chanting “Death to America.”

I think the greatest way to finish this post is to refer to Team America. In that film, Trey Parker and Matt Stone had Sean Penn say: “Last year, I went to Iraq. Before Team America showed up, it was a happy place. They had flowery meadows, and rainbow skies, and rivers made of chocolate where the children danced and laughed and played with gumdrop smiles.” Penn angrily shot back by inviting Parker and Stone to take a trip to Iraq with him. Their response?

“I went to the Grand Canyon once, but that doesn’t make me an expert.”

The Best of Lee: Peak Oil

Writing about Venezuela’s oil crash reminded me of this great post from Lee in which he destroyed the very notion of Peak Oil. You should read the whole thing, but here’s an excerpt:

In the late 1970s my cousin, who was at the time in her late teens or early 20s, came to visit my family in Australia. My father, as most of you know, was in the oil business, specifically the drilling aspect. He knew all there was to know about getting oil out of the ground. My cousin, a good soul, expressed great concern that “within ten years” the world’s supply of oil would be depleted, and regaled him with the horror stories of global doom that would accompany this eventuality. My father listened to her, then patiently explained how she had no idea what she was talking about, that her head had been filled full of mush by leftist professors, and the idea that the world would ever “run out” of oil is absurd. Remember, this was thirty years ago that we were “ten years” away from running out of oil. Oddly enough, we’re still now “ten years” away from running out of oil.

The difficult argument is to explain to people, calmly and rationally, the situation with oil. The easy thing to do is terrify people into thinking that, just like sucking on a milkshake, one day we’re just going to run out. As I’ve said before, technological advances will make oil obsolete long before we ever actually run out of it. If oil were actually in any danger of running out any time soon it would be $500,000 a barrel instead of $100. (That’s freshman economics, folks. Everyone should understand that.)

We need to develop clean technologies. We need electric cars. We need to be concerned with global warming and the environment. These are all legitimate, and you will find no bigger proponent of finding solutions to these problems than me. But what I refuse to do is buy into the Chicken Little syndrome whereby I wail and screech about how the world is going to end if I don’t support a particular political proposition. Kyoto was a stupid idea when it was first proposed during the Clinton administration, and there’s a reason it was voted down 95-0 in the Senate. (That’s right, liberals, not one member of the Democrats voted in favor of it.) But opposing bad legislation does not equal a desire to ignore the problem, it’s a disagreement about the means. And, given the total, utter, abject failure of Kyoto since its ratification the United States seems eerily prescient with its rejection.

Oil will never run out. Ever. There is too much money to be made in the technology industry for the world to keep relying solely on oil. We don’t need nightmares, we don’t need screaming histrionics, we don’t need end of the world scenarios. What we need are smart people taking the problem seriously, and finding workable, reasonable solutions to transition the world from a petroleum economy into the next generation.

Unfortunately, doing things reasonably and sensibly doesn’t win elections. So we’ll continue to have global consensuses on all sorts of things that make no sense.

At the time Lee wrote those words, oil was surging to a record of $145 a barrel. Barack Obama and other Very Wise People told us that we couldn’t drill our way out of this (those were Obama’s literal words). Since then, increased production has dropped the price of oil to $45 a barrel with medium-term forecasts that it will stay in that range. In fact, many environmentalists are now worried that there is too much proven reserve and that using it all would cause very severe global warming.

Doubtless the price of oil will one day go up again as demand surges and some of the current wells run out. And doubtless we will hear panic-mongering from the Peak Oil people. And doubtless we will either find a new source of oil or an economically viable alternative (probably natural gas or nuclear) that will make the entire point moot.

Come to think of it, these moral panics never seem to pan out either, do they?

The Best of Lee: Team America, World Police

Given recent events, I thought it would be nice to link up Lee’s post on Team America: World Police where he responds to the negative review from Roger Ebert:

Particularly important quote:

Is there any doubt that if this were a two-hour Bush bashing fest Ebert would have found it a brilliant piece of political satire? Ebert, who is usually pretty astute when it comes to these sort of things, is so blinded by his political opinions that he missed the entire point of the film. Team America represents America itself, Roger. This point is so blatantly obvious that only Ebert’s willful ignorance can explain his inability to see it.

During the end scene in North Korea, when Gary is doing the dick/pussy/asshole speech, he is obviously talking about America. The point of the speech, and of the film itself, is that America is a giant, blustery, idealistic 800lb gorilla. Often times we do things and we fuck them up horribly, but as it stands right now we’re the only country able to do them. In one priceless scene, Hans Blix confronts Kim Jong Il, ordering Kim (under authority of the United Nations) to give him unlimited access to his compound to check for WMD. “Or what?” Kim asks. Blix then replies sternly, “We’ll get really, really mad. And we’ll send you an angry letter!” The point here is one that I have made many, many times on this blog. You can only threaten action so many times before you get called on your bluff. The UN, without american power, is utterly impotent to deal with threats. And while America might not be the most diplomatic nation sometimes, we’re the only ones who can get the job done.

Think about “red lines” and other such empty threats Barack Obama has made.

He also gets into why so many celebrities, including Ebert, hated the film so intensely.

When I write a post I leave myself fully open to getting torn a new asshole. People can immediately leave comments telling me what I clueless douchebag I am, and occasionally they’re right. These celebrity morons, however, are never, ever challenged on their bullshit. Sean Penn goes to Iraq and returns to be treated like an expert on the subject. (You know, I went to the zoo once, but that doesn’t mean I can speak authoritatively on elephants or giraffes.)

The reason Ebert doesn’t like seeing pampered, self-righteous, egotistical celebrity morons being made fun of is that he himself is a pampered, self-righteous, egotistical celebrity moron. He only sees nihilism in this film is because he cannot imagine a world in which his opinion is not important, and by tearing down people who have the same opinions as him you are, by proxy, destroying the very reason he exists: to tell other people what he thinks. The difference, of course, is that in the area of film Ebert speaks with authority. In the area of social commentary he’s just as much a bloviating, self-righteous dick as I am. But when you’re used to people kissing your ass telling you how brilliant you are, being cut down to size can be a bitter pill to swallow.

Read the whole thing, as always.

The Best of Lee: Peak Oil

You remember peak oil? Um, yeah:

Oil depletion studies commonly focus on the supply of conventional petroleum without as much attention to the other side of the equation, which is petroleum demand. In this study, we examine the trends affecting demand for conventional oil in the future to see under what conditions “peak demand” for oil might arise. We find that historical trends in oil use lead to a peak in demand for oil by well before mid-century. If concerted effort is made to shift to oil alternatives and promote efficiency, a demand decline may arise even sooner.

Note that this study isn’t talking about windmills and solar panels in particular. It is accounting for the explosion (no pun intended) of “unconventional liquids”, natural gas and biofuels. And they basically believe that conventional oil demand will peak by the 2030’s and then begin to fall off.

In short, our demand for oil is going to peak long before the supply does.

I had a whole post ready for this and then I remembered that the late great Lee wrote it for me five years ago, when he crushed the scares about Peak Oil. I’ll quote at length. Enjoy the brilliance.

In the late 1970s my cousin, who was at the time in her late teens or early 20s, came to visit my family in Australia. My father, as most of you know, was in the oil business, specifically the drilling aspect. He knew all there was to know about getting oil out of the ground. My cousin, a good soul, expressed great concern that “within ten years” the world’s supply of oil would be depleted, and regaled him with the horror stories of global doom that would accompany this eventuality. My father listened to her, then patiently explained how she had no idea what she was talking about, that her head had been filled full of mush by leftist professors, and the idea that the world would ever “run out” of oil is absurd. Remember, this was thirty years ago that we were “ten years” away from running out of oil. Oddly enough, we’re still now “ten years” away from running out of oil.

You would not believe the number of times I had this conversation with liberal coworkers in California, all of whom believed the peak oil nonsense. It’s a means by which left-leaning people scare other people into supporting environmentalist causes. We heard exactly the same thing in the 1970s about population explosion, how by the turn of the century there would be global starvation due to overpopulation. Oddly enough, not only did this never come to pass, but the exact opposite is true—in the aggregate, people the world over are better fed and living longer lives than at any time in their past.

People just think that one day there’s going to be a huge empty sucking sound coming out of the ground, like what happens when you get to the bottom of a milkshake. People who think this have no grasp of economics or a fundamental grasp of how oil markets work. This isn’t really anyone’s fault, these are specific areas of expertise, and it only makes sense that most people wouldn’t understand them. That being said, the fact that there’s a global consensus about something which most of the globe doesn’t understand thus makes the consensus argument completely worthless.

The difficult argument is to explain to people, calmly and rationally, the situation with oil. The easy thing to do is terrify people into thinking that, just like sucking on a milkshake, one day we’re just going to run out. As I’ve said before, technological advances will make oil obsolete long before we ever actually run out of it. If oil were actually in any danger of running out any time soon it would be $500,000 a barrel instead of $100. (That’s freshman economics, folks. Everyone should understand that.)

We need to develop clean technologies. We need electric cars. We need to be concerned with global warming and the environment. These are all legitimate, and you will find no bigger proponent of finding solutions to these problems than me. But what I refuse to do is buy into the Chicken Little syndrome whereby I wail and screech about how the world is going to end if I don’t support a particular political proposition. Kyoto was a stupid idea when it was first proposed during the Clinton administration, and there’s a reason it was voted down 95-0 in the Senate. (That’s right, liberals, not one member of the Democrats voted in favor of it.) But opposing bad legislation does not equal a desire to ignore the problem, it’s a disagreement about the means. And, given the total, utter, abject failure of Kyoto since its ratification the United States seems eerily prescient with its rejection.

Oil will never run out. Ever. There is too much money to be made in the technology industry for the world to keep relying solely on oil. We don’t need nightmares, we don’t need screaming histrionics, we don’t need end of the world scenarios. What we need are smart people taking the problem seriously, and finding workable, reasonable solutions to transition the world from a petroleum economy into the next generation.

In case you’re wondering, the current score is something like Lee 525, hysterical ignorant liberals 0.

Archival Gold

I was poking around in the archives today and I came across an absolute gem, so in the spirit of “Best of Lee”, I hope it’s OK with JimK if we from time to time throw up some oldies that everyone will love. In going through the comments it was fun to see some old names. Some of these posts would go several hundred comments long, this one is pretty short, but as you can see, some cleverness, some hilarity and some short triggers will always spell ,”good times“.

Thrill was one funny dude, and for me, comedic timing is huge, I miss him.

Best of Lee: In Their Own Words

Just to take a breather from the ongoing (but hopefully ending) nightmare, I thought I’d put up a Best of Lee. I was digging through some old posts from before the Archive Event Horizon and ran across a couple of posts from Lee that cracked me up. Don’t know if they’ll amuse you too, but we need some uplifting from recent evens.

First, on Iran’s weaving of the world’s largest rug (from a post appropriately entitled “Rug Munchers“):

Yes, my friends. In addition to oil and terrorism, Iran also contributes carpet to the world, showing us just how indispensable they are on the global stage. “Allah be praised, we will one day create a carpet so big it will smother every filthy subhuman pigdog infidel inhabitant of the Zionist entity! For while the infidel Jews may have a functioning nuclear weapon, Allah be praised, we have carpet! And a big carpet at that! And soon, when we too have a functioning nuclear weapon, we will be superior to the Jews because they will not have the carpet!”

And then this one, when Hurricane Dennis hit Cuba, possibly splashing water on some prison Qurans:

“This is an insult to Allah himself,” remarked Muhammad al Muhammad bin Muhammad Sheik Yerbouti, Grand Mufti of the Islamic Council to Prevent Desecration of the Holy Word of Allah by the Zionist Infidel Pig Dog Crusaders and Jews. “It is obvious that the forces of the Zionist infidel pig dog crusaders and Jews are conspiring to torture our blessed Islamic martyrs by soiling the word of Allah.”

Immediately the combined forces of the United Nations, the NAACP, the ACLU, the Nation of Islam, and al-Qaeda were mobilized on the communist island nation to demand justice for the incarcerated. “The Cuban people have been affected by this terrible national disaster,” shouted al-Qaeda spokesman Muhammad bin Muhammad al-Sharpton. “But that sort of flooding and loss of life is expected. It is the will of Allah. But what we are dealing with here is another kind of inhuman torture. Rainwater has defiled the sacred word of Allah almighty, and the filthy inhuman apes and pigs of the crusader Army dared to remove the droplets of water with a common paper towel without first covering their infidel hands with a surgical glove. I ask you, my Islamist brethren, when will the global community wake up to the truth of the inhuman activities that are taking place behind these walls?”

The reason these amuse me is because they sound exactly like the kind of stuff we always do hear from various and sundry nuts. Mocking fools in their own words was one of Lee’s best skills. I can only imagine what he would have made out of the Pelosi-Reid-Obama triad. We would be laughing our way through this entire ridiculous mess.

Best of Lee: 1996 USENET Classic “Tossing my salad”

WARNING – NSFW.

Before anyone knew him as Lee from RTFTLC, he was known for years as Buck Satan, a moniker he borrowed from Al Jourgensen of Ministry. I met him in the Usenet newsgroup alt.music.nin in 1994. NIN fans were “ninnies” and denizens of alt,music.nin were “amninnies,”  just so you understand the terminology. In case it’s not obvious, I’m Stark.

In September of 1996, Lee posted something that will live on amongst amninnies forever. Literally, forever. It was just referenced earlier today on Facebook which is what prompted me to go find the original text and share it with you here, now.

From: 2-Buck Shakur (thx1***@pacificnet.net)
Subject: Salad Tossing and other nastiness…
Newsgroups: alt.music.nin
Date: 1996/09/17

Okay, I haven’t posted in a while, and I was talking with Stark about this the other day, and I thought that I’d get a few opinions on this from you fucking ninnies.

I had a date with this chick the other day, and afterwards we came back to my pad, and one thing led to another and we ended up rolling around butt-ass nekkid on my king-size bed.  We were doing the usual licking/sucking/groping things that two people do.

I was laying on my back, and she was down in the “nether region” giving me a blowjob.  Then the weird shit happened. She started playing with my ass crack.  Okay, I’m thinking, no biggie, feels kinda cool.  Then she starts licking my ass crack.  Okay, this is kinda weird, I think.  Then she starts LICKING MY MOTHERFUCKING ASSHOLE!  She started TOSSING MY FUCKING SALAD!

It was entirely too fucking weird.  I didn’t know whether to get into it or whether to run screaming from the room and spray ammonia up my ass with a fucking firehose.  I mean, it didn’t feel *BAD*, per se… it’s just that… I mean, it’s my fucking ASSHOLE for christ’s sake…  ASSHOLE! Shit comes out of there, ya know?  My fucking sphincter!

I don’t know what to think, ya know?  I mean, one the one hand it felt kinda cool and shit, but on the other… I mean, it’s my ANUS! BLEECH! She stuck her TONGUE UP MY FUCKING HAIRY ASS!

I can understand if this is like some pornstar chicks ass, ya know?  I mean, some nice, clean, perfumed, shaved crotch I can sorta understand burying your face down there… but this is me… Buck.  Those of you who know me can imagine what my asshole is like – my fucking hairy, shit-encusted, smelly fucking bunghole nestled between two pimply, hairy, gelatinous mounds of ass-cheek.  It just fucking turns my stomach sometimes…

So, what I wanna get is some comments and shit.  Anyone out there an ass-eater from way back?  I mean, when you go to Baskin Robbins and they ask you what flavor you want, do you say colon?  Any of you out there,guy or chick, enjoy having your asshole eaten out?  This whole ass thing is pretty fucking new to me on the RECEIVING end, and it’s just kinda freaking me out sorta…

Okay, I’m gonna go hang myself now.

Buck
Saving his sphincter for Stark…

Lee was a lot of things. Loud, big of heart and stature, boisterous, funny as shit, and among his many traits was consistency. 1996, pre-blog, he was just as filthy, funny and open about his daily life as he was for so many years at RTFTLC.

I mean, when you go to Baskin Robbins and they ask you what flavor you want, do you say colon?

Genius. :)

The Best of Lee (admin stuff)

Wow. Now I remember why I hate ExpressionEngine.

My original idea for this feature was to find a non-search way of slipping Lee’s posts into something – an RSS feed, another blog, whatever – and then importing posts at random as long as they were of over a certain word length. Except Lee wrote 11,029 posts. That’s too many posts for any solution at all. It’s too much data. Lee could talk. :)

So…I devised a lo-fi way of doing this. If you go to http://bit.ly/bestoflee (that bit.ly URL is permanent under my account) you will see a stripped-down, fast loading page with three of Lee’s 11,029 posts, pulled at random. If you like one, you can click the mail link and it will shoot me email with the link to the original. Since I’m admin in the old EE system also, I see a special link on the post that takes me directly to the edit screen where I can grab the raw HTML and post it here in the new blog in a minute.

The only thing I suggest is limiting yourself to one suggestion a week, since there’s a lot of people. Which brings me to the next question.

How often do we want to do this? I was thinking Fridays and maybe sticky it through the weekend? Or would it be better to post it say, Wednesday morning? Sound off!

By the way, if you just want to walk down memory lane and revel in Lee’s frigging awesomeness, that page is good for that as well. Once I built it I spent a good 30 minutes reloading instead of writing this post.