Blast from the Future

Dateline 2048 AD, from the Associated Press-Fox news Hive Mind

With the 2048 Presidential election due to happen tomorrow, candidates have already announced their campaigns for the 2052 Presidential race (as well as a few for the 2056 race). One candidate that is particularly drawing attention is familiar face — Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Clinton, having lost her 2008 Presidential bid to Barack Obama, her 2012 bid to Bernie Sanders, her 2020 bid to Nikki Haley, her 2028 bid to Ivanka Trump, her 2036 bid to Bristol Palin and her 2044 bid to a cloned Ronald Reagan, has vowed that this time she will at long last become President.

Clinton was woken from cryogenic sleep shortly before her first campaign appearance and appeared a bit confused, saying that she was looking forward to being America’s “first woman President”. When it was pointed out that she would actually be the third, her campaign advisors said that the quote was taken out of context by cyborgs of the Republican-Libertarian-Texas Alliance.

Clinton has promised free college to all Americans (although college, as such, was abolished in 2045 after direct brain uploads made it obsolete). She has also promised to complete the work of Obamacare, which may prove difficult given that the entire insurance market imploded in 2020 and was replaced with the barter system.

Clinton is expected to face some controversy over her past experience. Her tenure as Secretary of State under Obama saw the rise of ISIS while her tenure as Secretary of Defense under Sanders saw ISIS turn the entirety of Iraq and Syria into a Jihadist Theme Park, featuring stoning of adulteresses and beheadings of infidels. Her brief stint as Secretary of Treasury was marred by controversy over putting her own face on the $20 bill.

Still, her motto of, “She’s rested, she’s ready, she’s thawed out, she only has three bionic limbs and really anyone who would have surrendered to those aliens” is expected to resonate with the seven people who still vote instead of spending their entire lives in the virtual pornography chambers the Sanders administration distributed in 2019.

“Enough already,” she told the virtual hologram of George Stephanopoulos. “I’m going to President this time. I don’t care if I did finish second in Iowa to a species of intelligent moss. It’s my turn.

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  1. WVRSpence

    FUTURE NEWS NOW

    February, 2048-Scientists Clone Jesus-using DNA recovered from a section of the cross that was recently discovered by archaeologists, geneticists have successfully cloned and grown to adulthood a new version of Jesus. The Republican Party in the United States has already laid claim to the clone, asking that it head their ticket as this year’s nominee despite the fact that a clone of Ronald Reagan has already clinched the nomination. The “Jesus Jumpers” as they have called themselves, claim that the reagan clone is not conservative enough and is not technically an American citizen since he has no actual parents.

    On the Democratic side, the recently revived Mrs. Clinton is literally shopping for votes ahead of Super Tuesday, when a coin toss will decide the winner. Long-retired former football player Tim Tebow will reportedly make the toss on behalf of Mrs. Clinton.

    France ends Swiss occupation-the French government has announced that it will withdraw mecha super soldiers from Switzerland as the French economy recovers after the new president repealed a series of tax hikes, saying that there was no one left in the country except for other politicians and retired European film directors to tax and that the soldiers would be needed so that the French government could surrender to itself in the wake of the most recent elections. The end of the occupation now means that France will have to again import chocolate and natural cheese, both highly expensive luxury items.

    Robots Defeat Intelligent Apes In China-An army of robot fighters were able to defeat enhanced apes who had laid siege to Beijing after fooling the simians into flinging their feces ammunition at each other. Following their capture, the apes were relocated to a commune in Western China where they will be re-educated to act as civil servants, where it is hoped that they can put their feces flinging skills to more positive use. The Google Empire has already expressed interest in employing them as code writers.

     

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